Just Do You with Kris Valley | Ep. 18
My guest on this week’s episode of The True North Show is Kris Vallay, she is a woman who embraces her authenticity in every conversation and interaction she has. Kris shares a defining and pivotal moment in her life 21 years ago and how that has led her to continually pursue JOY in everything she does. We talk about the shame that comes with being a woman and sex and her answer to my last question is so incredibly insightful and moving.
Bio:
Kris Vallay is an unapologetically honest writer, podcaster, and truth-teller known for her radical take on sex, self-love, and authentic presence. The author of “The One”, a raw, powerful memoir that strips back societal shame around women’s pleasure, Kris has quickly become a fierce voice for women everywhere who are done hiding.
A solo parent to four neurodivergent children, Kris blends fierce advocacy with deep emotional intelligence, using humour and lived experience to open taboo conversations.
As co-host of the Sex and the One podcast, she continues to dismantle outdated ideas around love, dating, and female desire, one spicy, soulful conversation at a time.
Kris’s audience spans women seeking empowerment, men who want to understand intimacy beyond the surface, and the sex-positive communities. Through every word and mic drop, she reminds us that authenticity is our greatest power and we don’t need to apologise for wanting more.
Kris operates in all areas from a deeply spiritual root system that has been continually and consistently downloaded and acclimated over the years. Kris uses all her gifts and intuition to guide her life in every area as a truly embodied soul.
Social Media:
Website: www.krisvallay.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/19u3BaFCTb/?mibextid=wwXIfr
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kris_vallay
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/krisvallay?igsh=YmszcHo5dDJ1bXA3&utm_source=qr
Transcript:
Kris Vallay, or KV, is an unapologetically honest writer, podcaster, and truth teller known for her radical take on sex, self-love, and authentic presence. The author of The One, a raw, powerful memoir that strips back societal shame around women’s pleasure, Chris has quickly become a fierce voice for women everywhere who are done hiding.
A solo parent of four neurodivergent children, Chris blends fierce advocacy with deep emotional intelligence, using humor and lived experience to open taboo conversations. As co-host of the Sex and the One podcast, she continues to dismantle outdated ideas around love, dating, and female desire—one spicy, soulful conversation at a time.
Chris’s audience spans women seeking empowerment, men who want to understand intimacy beyond the service, and the sex-positive communities. Through every word and mic-drop, she reminds us that authenticity is our greatest power, and we don’t need to apologize for wanting more. Chris operates in all areas from a deeply spiritual root system that has been continually and consistently downloaded and acclimated over the years. She uses all of her gifts and intuition to guide her life in every area as a truly embodied soul. Welcome to the show. I am so thrilled that you are joining us today.
Kris Vallay (01:59)
Thank you so much for having me. You are wonderful. What an introduction.
Megan North (02:01)
Welcome. I know—how does that feel when I read that out?
Kris Vallay (02:07)
It feels quite surreal, to be honest. I have tears in my eyes.
Megan North (02:15)
That’s nice. It’s lovely. It’s really interesting because I often ask my guests how they feel when I intro them, because we don’t often hear someone else say our bio. Usually, we write it and we sort of read it, but to actually sit and listen and hear someone saying it—it’s actually a really nice reflection.
Kris Vallay (02:39)
It is, and it’s a nice little recap of, you know, all the things that have led us to where we are today. So, yeah.
Megan North (02:48)
Yeah, absolutely. So obviously the show is called The True North Show, and I dive into passion and purpose. When I ask about the defining moment that led you to pursue your true passion and purpose—what would you say your true passion and purpose is?
Kris Vallay (03:09)
Interesting. My true passion and purpose is to experience as much joy as possible. Joy has been my life goal now for—I’m 53 years old—it’s been my life goal for 21 years.
Megan North (03:17)
Okay, and so what was that defining moment? Obviously, 21 years ago something happened that you thought, “The joy is…”—was it “the joy has gone out of my life,” or “I need more joy in my life”?
Kris Vallay (03:41)
Well, interesting. I had two little children, then had my third. The first three were diagnosed with autism, and I was eight months pregnant with the fourth. My third child was nonverbal with incredibly interesting behaviors, we shall say—you know, a lot of violence. We were misunderstood; we weren’t aligned—myself and my young boy—because I didn’t understand his world. I went to seek the help of a healer to try and work out what I was going to do, and she tuned into him at the time and said to me, “He’s flapping. Gee, he’s happy. I can feel his happiness from here. He is truly here to open people’s hearts and to spread more joy in the world.” I heard the word “joy,” and I went—“Ah.”
In that moment—I mean, it was probably more than one moment, but I can collectively describe it as one—I went, “I get it.” My son had experienced more joy at two than I had experienced in my entire life. As a child and as an adult, I had not experienced the joy he experienced. I went home, and coincidentally it happened to be a day that he was doing really well and was quite happy. I watched him play with a piece of Play-Doh. He manipulated a bit of Play-Doh in his hands for two hours, just in awe. He thought it was the best thing ever.
The previous me—from yesterday—would have thought, “Oh no, what am I going to do with this kid who just wants to play with Play-Doh all day?” The next day I was like, “How cool is it that he can do that? What a legend.” I went, “I want to be like you.” I decided he was my teacher and I was the student. I flipped the script, and that’s where my journey began.
Megan North (06:03)
And did your relationship with him change in that instant as well?
Kris Vallay (06:08)
Yes, absolutely. Immediately. Everything lifted. I saw everything through a different lens. Every time he was happy, I made sure to join in on his happiness. If he started jumping up and down, I would start jumping up and down as well. I’m like, “What is so happy? I don’t know, but I’m in.” I stopped needing him to be like everyone else. I stopped needing him to speak. I stopped needing him to stop being embarrassing in public. I stopped all of the things that you’re taught as a mother.
You know when you have kids and you say, “I just want my kid to be happy and healthy,” but you don’t really—you want them to win all the races and be the smartest kid in school, you want them to eat their lunch, and you want them to say yes and no and do all the things you want them to do. You want to be able to ring up your friends and go, “My child, you know, they’re on level 15 at reading.” And I had this child who was completely nonverbal, who didn’t adhere to any of society’s, you know, standards—and yet he was happier than anyone else I knew.
Megan North (07:25)
Yep.
Kris Vallay (07:28)
It was a journey, obviously, but then I had four—like, you know, this was one of my children. I had four like this. All very different children, all very interested in their own needs. They would make sure that their needs were met, and previously it had been a battle of wills. I was like, “You’re going to eat that carrot. I have decided. I’m the mother, you need to eat carrots, and that’s it.” I would sit there and have this war over this carrot. I never won any of the wars. You create a war, you won’t win a war. Peace is what we’re looking for.
Megan North (08:05)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And so I could imagine in that moment—and that time as well—that your son, your two-year-old son at that point, probably taught you presence. “We’re at this moment and it is what it is.” Probably, if he could speak, it’d be like, “It is what it is, Mum.”
Kris Vallay (08:22)
Absolutely. He would just stop randomly and look at something and then start laughing—start giggling. He would experience joy in every moment, whenever he could. And then, alternatively—which was really great to watch, to be honest—he would also get really angry.
So if something really annoyed him, or something happened—like the power went off, something I couldn’t control, and he wanted to watch TV—he would absolutely flip his switch, and he would release all of the anger that he had inside until it was gone. The skeptic in me was going, “Well, whatever,” but my soul—the part that was starting to awaken, my intuitive knowing—I’m going, “This is why autistic people—and I’m just making this up at this point, this is not a statistic—I feel like they would have less cancer, because they feel all the emotions out. It’s gone. I watch them do it, and then they just—like all my kids—they should release it.” And you go, “This is magic,” because it’s innate.
Megan North (09:37)
Yeah.
Kris Vallay (09:50)
No one else is teaching them. They don’t care what anyone else thinks. My third boy, Michael, learned to talk off the TV when he was eight, so he’s got an American accent.
Megan North (10:04)
I love that.
Kris Vallay (10:05)
Yeah, because he wasn’t listening to anyone else around him—he was listening to himself. And the TV, obviously.
Megan North (10:13)
And so what was it in particular that he was watching? Was it just a lot of American shows, or was there something in particular?
Kris Vallay (10:20)
He would watch, I mean, the classic movies—Ice Age, Shrek—Disney Channel, all the kids’ stuff. He would just watch on repeat. And to be honest, we didn’t know how much he was taking in, what he was absorbing. But it was one of those things that—again, with the intuition—I knew never to talk about him in front of him.
I suspected that he was able to understand it all. And he was. He’ll tell you now. He remembers everything.
Megan North (10:56)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so 21 years ago you decided, “I’m going to pursue joy in everything I do.” What happened? What was that change? Did you change your job, your career, your focus?
Kris Vallay (11:16)
Interesting—yes, yes, and yes. But over time. This was when I was eight months pregnant with my youngest. I had him, and then I decided—I’d been working outside the home after the first three. By the time I had my fourth and they were all diagnosed with autism, I lived in what I now call “appointment land.” There was an appointment every day. We saw the speech therapist, special-needs kinder, occupational therapists, and so on. I was breastfeeding a kid and bringing him around to all the appointments.
It was one of those things: I decided joy was my goal. At the start, it was pretty much five-minute intervals whenever I felt like I had time to feel joy. I didn’t really know what it was, to be honest. I wasn’t raised in joy; that’s not something I felt a lot as a child. My marriage didn’t have a lot of joy in it—looking back now. I didn’t realize that at the time, because I didn’t have anything to compare it to until I had this moment.
So it was like, “Okay, what actually does make me happy?” I didn’t even know. It was kind of weird stuff at the start. I liked watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. I really enjoyed watching Oprah. She recommended books—Gary Zukav, Eckhart Tolle—and I would buy the books she recommended on her show and start reading them. The books were The Seat of the Soul, you know, that kind of thing. I absorbed everything first.
Also, I was in fight-or-flight mode for years, because my kids were all enthusiastic about feelings in their life.
Megan North (13:29)
I love the way you worded that.
Kris Vallay (13:31)
And so for a long period of time, it was like, “Who’s fighting who? Who do I have to bear-hug and pull off the other one?” Lots of choking, hitting, hair-pulling, tufts of hair pulled out. It was pretty—it was not great. But how cool is it that the universe gave me the option to choose joy in that moment? I was going through all of this stuff thinking, “Okay, what was good about today?”
Megan North (13:47)
Yeah.
Kris Vallay (13:57)
I remember tucking the kids in at night and saying, “What was your favorite thing about today?” They’d say, “There’s nothing good about today,” and I’d go, “I’m not leaving until you tell me something good about today.” I was determined to focus on it. But I didn’t necessarily know what mine was. I just knew that was the goal. That went on for quite a few years, I would say. When the kids were little, it was more “What can I do?”—absorbing information and having the right focus. I would focus on the great things between the meltdowns and say, “Okay, what is good about today? What is good about the fact that this is happening to me? How can I enhance the good?”
Then I started to ask, “What are my interests?” People with neurodivergence know about special interests—it’s inside of you. What would mine be if I had one? I started doing stuff like crochet. My Nana taught me to crochet when I was little—but I didn’t crochet a little bit. I crocheted 16 hours a day. If I’m in on something, I’m in. Candy Crush—I was playing Candy Crush on my phone at one point—ridiculous hours. I kind of jumped from thing to thing. This was while I was a stay-at-home mum, which were the hardest years of my life. People always talk about work—this was the hardest work I’ve ever done. I will say that till I go to the grave. I don’t know how it got twisted that there was a more difficult thing to do, but anyway.
For me, it was step, step, step. Once I started to change my internal structure to look for joy, other things in my life didn’t quite fit. I looked at my marriage and thought, “Yeah, you’re not coming on this road. You’re not on this joy road. You’re looking at all the bad. You’re finding this really hard. You’re getting really frustrated. I don’t feel like we’re working as a team here.” There was a long period of time where there was a disconnect in the goal.
I wasn’t willing to change my goal, because it was working. It was great. I saw the difference in the kids and in me. I grew up—my kids grew up—in the disability community, and we knew a lot of disability families.
Megan North (16:26)
Yeah.
Kris Vallay (16:41)
I could see what they were doing versus what I was doing, and I was happy with what I was doing. It was working for me, and I could see the progress. Another special gift happened to me in 2010 when my youngest was six and my oldest was 12. I had an intuitive moment, which now I get often—I’m incredibly intuitive—but back then it wasn’t common for me.
My ex-husband left his phone out to go have a shower, and he never did that. He was always attached to his phone—like weirdly attached. I flipped it open, and my whole life changed. The contents were evidence of one affair, which turned out to be many over the 19 years we were together. It’s still hard to talk about today, to be honest. Everything flipped. I had to make some really hard decisions, but they were also really easy decisions. I started my journey.
Being a sole parent—with four kids with autism—and a stay-at-home mum at that, is not something you would choose.
Megan North (18:21)
No. No.
Kris Vallay (18:24)
You don’t go, “I just wish this would happen to me. How cool would this be?” You just don’t.
Megan North (18:31)
Yeah.
Kris Vallay (18:33)
But I will still tell you—that’s the best thing that happened to me in relation to the journey of where I’m at now.
Megan North (18:39)
Yeah, yeah. It’s so lovely hearing you talk about finding those moments of joy each day and sharing that with the children, because you were basically doing—not a gratitude practice—but a joy practice. It’s almost the same thing, isn’t it?
Kris Vallay (18:53)
Yes. Absolutely. I also had a gratitude journal as well. They all link, don’t they?
Megan North (19:04)
And I love when you spoke about how the more joy you brought into your life, your perspective changed, and the energy of people around you changed as well. I think that’s always really important as healers: often we look at the external—“I wish this person would change,” or “I wish they would change their perspective or attitude.” But actually, when we do the work, then everything naturally around us changes.
Kris Vallay (19:37)
Absolutely. The things that are meant to stay change for the better, and the relationship is better. The things that are not meant to be there fall off, don’t serve you. The lesson is to let it go when you know it’s meant to go. It took me a while. I’ll be honest.
Megan North (19:55)
Absolutely. I also know this now: the more work I do, I always talk to my clients about—when you’re leveling up, some people will come with you, some will fall away, and those that fall away make space for new people at that new level. But it doesn’t mean that the people that are falling away—you’re joyous about it. Sometimes things make sense and you go, “Okay. Isn’t that interesting? I haven’t spoken to that person for a while. Obviously, the relationship was one-sided,” or whatever it is. But sometimes you think, “I’m really looking at this person with a different perspective, and I really love them dearly, but I know they’re not going to be on my journey.” We’re humans. If none of this bothered us, there’d actually be a problem.
Kris Vallay (20:46)
Really, absolutely. And also, as I’m quite sure you believe—people are mirrors of you. If you’re going to choose a certain way and grow a certain way, they’re no longer your mirror. It’s really hard to have a relationship with something that you can’t see in yourself. Afterward, I would look at him and I couldn’t see anything that was me.
It’s beautiful to let people go and let them go on their own path. He’s chosen his own journey, and I wish him well. At the start, obviously I didn’t—but now there’s no ill feeling whatsoever, because there’s no need. It’s not necessary to carry emotions you don’t need to carry.
Megan North (21:49)
Yeah. I was talking to someone earlier today, and we were talking about the gift—I feel like the biggest gift you can give yourself is forgiveness in yourself and others. Sometimes you may never be able to forgive the person, but at least if you can give yourself the gift of forgiveness, it gives you so much freedom.
Kris Vallay (21:58)
Absolutely.
Megan North (22:13)
You let go of the story, you let go of the narrative—it doesn’t define you anymore. It’s not easy, but there are things you can do, and it’s beautiful to witness for yourself.
Kris Vallay (22:21)
Absolutely. And if you make anything the goal—you can make anything the goal. Because of what I’ve been through—pretty challenging—I believe in everything. I can make a goal and I will make it happen. When I separated, I said, “I’m going to be upset for three months.”
You can’t just go, “Three months—I’m not upset anymore,” but I gave myself the grace of three months of resentment and bitterness and “you should have done this,” and “I can’t believe you’ve done this.” I let myself have the emotions. Then after three months, I’m like, “Okay, Chris—okay. We’re done with that. That doesn’t serve you. That’s not who you want to be. It’s not how you want to teach your children, or operate in society.” I wanted to teach them: yes, feel the emotions—all of them, which they obviously taught me—and then move on.
Megan North (23:22)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. So, Chris, if we can dive a little bit into the mental health and wellbeing aspect of your journey—what did you do? How did you maintain your mental health and wellbeing while you were going through all of this? And even now as you pursue different passions and dreams, what do you do for your mental health?
Kris Vallay (23:47)
Well, I will tell you—I didn’t. I was diagnosed with depression with two of my children—postnatal depression. I had antidepressants for quite some time. For quite some time I relied on external assistance. I’ll say that initially, but it was always the goal that my body would do what it’s meant to do and take over. That did happen over time.
Honestly, for at least the last 10 years—if not 15—I have had, most significantly, my morning routine. That’s the best way I can encapsulate how I take care of myself. Now I’m careful about the foods I eat, what I drink, the things I put in my body, and also my self-talk—because your self-talk is absolutely everything. I talk a lot about that in my book—how I tell myself, “I love you, Chris Vale,” 100 times a day, at least.
With mental health, I read a lot, spoke to a lot of people, and went to a lot of workshops. You grab what works for you and add it in. I found I was better to have my own routines and then add things, rather than read something new and go, “I’m going to do that,” and then never complete it. I’m one of these people—I finish what I start. For 15 years, every day, I’ve given myself one “hour of power.” I wake at 5 a.m.
I go straight into a meditation—reflective, grounding, white light, all of that. Then I go through affirmations. It changes a little over time, but generally: visualizations. I ask for messages; I ask for clarity about certain things. I just be with me, with no distractions. First thing—I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t get my phone out. I give myself an hour every day. Interestingly, mine is possibly a little more unique than some people’s, because I go straight from the visualizations to an orgasm.
Right. Yeah—every day.
Megan North (26:37)
Okay.
Kris Vallay (26:52)
Yes. And I can confirm that getting out of bed after that—yep—there is a spring in your step. I’ve been doing this for years. Varying people in my life knew that a long time ago, and now almost everyone knows due to circumstances. It’s become one of those things you can’t be embarrassed about. You might think, “I don’t know if I want anyone to know,” and now I feel the opposite. I’m like, “Why aren’t you doing it?” Not that I mind what anyone else is doing, of course. But I’m quite proud, because I know it sets me up for the day.
Obviously, throughout the day, you continually check in. I have an alarm on my phone at 9 a.m. I start work at 7:30 and I serve people, right? When you serve people, sometimes they come in sad, or they might upset the energy. I have an alarm at nine that says, “Which wolf are you feeding?”
Megan North (28:06)
Ooh—right. Which wolf are you feeding?
Kris Vallay (28:10)
So you feed the fear—there’s love or fear. You feed the fear, the fear grows; you feed the love, the love grows. Just in case my morning routine flips me back into fear because I’m interacting with people all day, it reminds me: reset. “I love you, Chris Valley. I’m choosing love. I’m feeding the wolf of love.”
Megan North (28:30)
Yeah. I love that.
Kris Vallay (28:37)
I’ve got quite a few things I do that make sure I’m taking care of myself.
Megan North (28:46)
And through all I’ve learned about intuition and spirituality—the moment of orgasm is the closest we get, as a 3D human, to being an enlightened being. It’s that pivotal moment of being completely enlightened.
Kris Vallay (29:11)
Yeah, absolutely. Interestingly, it’s the thing most covered in shame, especially for women—the thing you can’t talk about, the thing no one wants to discuss, the thing people can only do under certain circumstances, with the most rules. It’s talked about in quiet circles by women. Often men are allowed to do it and women aren’t. It’s coming along now, but historically it’s been associated with negative things. Yet it is the best—it is so awesome. Luckily for me—and I genuinely mean this—I discovered that was my special interest.
You know how I said my kids have special interests, and I didn’t know what my joy was? I didn’t know what joy was, my purpose, or how I was going to exhibit this joy. The two are connected for me. That’s how that journey began—what I’m doing now.
Megan North (30:30)
And probably a lot cheaper than Candy Crush.
Kris Vallay (30:36)
Yes—dopamine!
Megan North (30:43)
Funny. Let’s talk about the book. How did this book come about? Is it because of your morning routine that you started? Is it about it?
Kris Vallay (30:57)
No. The book came about because I have been famously single on and off for years. When I say famously, people love my stories about dating. I had a date one day—was to meet a guy locally on a walk. We’d arranged to meet at three in the afternoon on a local circle walk. Ten minutes before, he messaged, “Actually, I’m caught in a bog. Can you come get me out?” Intuitively—no. “That’s not going to happen. Perhaps we’ll meet another day.” I went on the walk.
Ten minutes later, he messaged to say, “I made it to the walk.” I said, “I’m already on the walk.” Five minutes later, I round the corner and coming towards me is this guy—naked. Completely naked, in the middle of the day, in the middle of winter, on a public walk. I’ve got three seconds to decide what I’m going to do. One, two, three—“Okay.” I said, “Well, I’m walking this way, you’re walking that way. Perhaps we’ll meet another day.” He goes, “I’ll walk back with you.” “No worries.”
We walk back to the car—he’s wearing nothing; I’m in my Michelin outfit with extra coats. It’s June. It was not that kind of date. I went to work the next day and told everyone. “The naked guy!” Everyone said, “Chris, you should write a book about this—about all your dating stories.” I thought, “Actually, yeah—I could.”
At the same time, while telling this funny story—I didn’t feel scared. Some people would have, and I honor that, but I wasn’t scared. People said, “You shouldn’t be on the apps. You should stay home. You shouldn’t meet guys.” People were trying to tell me not to live my life for fear I might meet a man who doesn’t treat me well. And I thought—no. I realized how much I’d grown as a person and how much my self-esteem had risen as a result of the dating I had done. I’m very interested in sex and dating and orgasms. I started my journey with a man who cheated on me repeatedly. Then I grew and grew and grew. I’m no longer of the belief that I should have to change my behavior for fear that a man is going to treat me badly. That is not for me to change. That is for men to step up and be better.
So the book became a few funny dating stories mixed with very soulful, in-depth, vulnerable chat around women’s feelings—my feelings—around safety, sex, dating, how I felt about myself, my mirror and how it changed over the years via the men I dated. Like you were saying—when people disappear, the next one appears. The quality improves. Makes sense.
Megan North (35:12)
Yeah. It does. I was married for 18 years, then on my own for seven. In the sixth year I met a beautiful, lovely man, and we spent about nine months together. But something wasn’t right for me. It wasn’t the perfect relationship. There were a couple of things where I thought, “I’m going to be compromising on this.” I made a tough decision to end it. I remember thinking—each time I leveled up, I was getting closer and closer. Six to eight months later I met my now second husband. I knew from the first moment. Love at first sight for both of us. With the other guy, I was so close—but I didn’t want to compromise. You’re right: you keep getting better at it.
Kris Vallay (36:17)
Yeah. People compromise all the time because they’re worried about being alone. We’re taught that you’re not complete unless you’re with someone else. I most certainly believed that for many years—that there was something wrong with me, something missing, because I was single. Yet everyone around me in relationships—I didn’t want their relationship. I didn’t want what they had.
I wasn’t able to fully tune into my intuition until I wrote the book. The book outlined what I’d learned and how far I’d come. That’s why it’s called The One—the search for my one true love.
Megan North (37:42)
Beautiful. I think the relationship where you finally find “the one” is perfect for you. My husband and I always say, “You’re perfect for me.” Our relationship is perfect for each other. It doesn’t mean it’s the right type of relationship for anyone else.
Kris Vallay (37:58)
Yes. And also—what is a relationship? You can go down many rabbit holes. How many are you allowed to have? Society will tell you two marriages is okay, but three—is that too many? If you experiment sexually—when you’re a sexual being and that’s your special interest—is that okay? Are you still a decent human being? Do people still respect you?
You can go down lots of rabbit holes. Who really is “the one”? You can have relationships in every area of your life that are rich and rewarding and feel, you know—yeah.
Megan North (38:57)
Absolutely. I had a vision of you writing some of the book and just channeling a whole heap of stuff—then reading it back going, “My goodness, where did that come from?”
Kris Vallay (39:15)
Yes, absolutely. Interestingly, the bits that were channeled the most didn’t get changed. There are four chapters that never changed. The final chapter never changed. There are a lot of—what you might call—light codes. People literally change as they read it.
Megan North (39:42)
I love that.
Kris Vallay (39:43)
The book awakens the bits it’s supposed to awaken. There’s a lot of script in there that’s underneath the words, if that makes sense.
Megan North (39:53)
Yeah. So, someone reading the book—what will people get out of it? What feedback have you had?
Kris Vallay (40:03)
People have said it releases shame for those who’ve had similar experiences to me—who’ve been a bit experimental in their life. That’s the most significant.
Megan North (40:18)
I felt that.
Kris Vallay (40:19)
Me too. Before I published it—I’m going to cry—I had never been so terrified of what other people were going to think of me. Every single secret I have ever had in relation to personal things I’d done is in there. Every single secret. If I was ashamed, I wrote it down. If I was mortified, I wrote it down. And I thought, “I am going to sell this to people. What are they going to think of me?” I thought, “Alright, I’ve lost friends before—when the kids were diagnosed, when I became a single mum. I’ve lost friends before. I can do that.” Because of what you said earlier—I needed to do this. I was being guided: “Do it, do it, do it.” I was more terrified every day. There were times I couldn’t breathe—stopping on my daily walks because I couldn’t breathe.
Interestingly, I own a smoothie bar. It was the bar’s sixth birthday when I released the book. I sold it to my customers and then went home for the weekend and went—“Right.” I came back Monday and thought, “Oh no, I have to see these people.” You don’t get to be an author and go live a hermit life. I’m seeing these people on Monday. The beautiful thing—obviously—was that not one single friend was lost. My children love me more than ever. My whole family has been amazing. Not all of them want to read it, of course.
Megan North (41:57)
Thanks.
Kris Vallay (42:16)
And that’s okay—absolutely okay. I wouldn’t suggest anyone read it who doesn’t feel attracted to it. You want to feel it might resonate. But that act released all of the shame in the book, and there was a lot. I have never felt so free in my entire life. That is joy.
Megan North (42:44)
Yeah, absolutely.
Kris Vallay (42:44)
My girlfriend said to me recently—we were out for dinner—“Chris, there’s something different about you. What’s going on? What’s changed?” I said, “I ain’t got no secrets.” I’m walking around, and anyone who cares to know can know absolutely everything that I’ve ever been ashamed of.
Megan North (42:57)
Yeah.
Kris Vallay (43:07)
And then that was the mirror I saw in other people. People were coming to me saying, “Chris, I was so embarrassed by how many men I’ve slept with,” for example, or, “I’m embarrassed that I stayed so long in this relationship.” All of the things—there’s a lot of shame in there—there’s always an example that someone else has done as well. Others who had not experienced anything like my life still got something out of it because they relate to the vulnerability and to self-esteem and self-worth. There’s a lot in there.
Megan North (43:49)
I also feel that you releasing the book—when people aren’t meant to see or know about it, it will never cross their path. I truly trust that what we need to be given, the wisdom meant to be shared, arrives at the right time. When it’s not, it just doesn’t cross our path.
Kris Vallay (44:12)
I agree. If it’s not for you, you just know. As you develop, it becomes such a fine-tuning thing—I know which side of the street I need to walk on.
Megan North (44:33)
I’m the same. I do a lot of work in corporate, but I’ve got a very strong “woo” side as well. My zone of genius is that I can walk into a boardroom and run a meeting with high-powered executives and then an hour later do an oracle card reading. I can read the room to know whether I can talk about any “woo” stuff or not. I’m not walking into that boardroom thinking, “I’m going to convert them.” That’s not my zone of genius. My zone is knowing the room and audience, because I’m not here to convert everybody—I’m sure you aren’t either. It’s just sharing.
Kris Vallay (45:18)
Absolutely. That’s why I started my podcast as well—it’s for a different set of people who are happy to listen to a podcast. It’s a little lighter—easier bites—a little less heavy, for want of a better word. I offer a different audience the same messages, which are basically: listen to your own intuition. “You do you.” Because I’m open with me doing me, they get to feel like they can do them. If I can do it, they can too.
Megan North (47:00)
Yeah. There are 8 billion people in the world—how do you expect to be the one person who’s right for everybody?
Kris Vallay (47:19)
Absolutely.
Megan North (47:21)
I’m actually shocked to say this—we’ve only got a couple of minutes left. I just looked at the time and thought, “My goodness.”
Kris Vallay (47:30)
My wordy lordy.
Megan North (47:33)
I’m going to ask you the same question I love to ask all of my guests before we finish. What is one lesson or truth you’ve learned on your journey that you wish you had known earlier?
Kris Vallay (47:46)
Everything happens in divine timing. You find out stuff when you’re meant to. Sometimes you learn something and then you relearn it—and then you have to relearn it again, just in case you didn’t learn it the first two times. Then you get hit in the face with it and you’re like, “Okay—gotcha.” I don’t regret any of that. I had an incident really recently that was not fun, and even during the incident I was like, “Yeah, I get it.” All the emotions serve a purpose, and time serves a purpose.
Megan North (48:25)
Thank you—that’s beautiful. I’ve got a client I’m working with at the moment, and sometimes I ask her a question and she’s like, “Well, that’s the baseball bat to the head that I needed.”
Kris Vallay (48:39)
And don’t we love people in our lives who serve that purpose for us? Because I certainly do. Absolutely.
Megan North (48:47)
Chris, thank you so much for joining us today. I have really enjoyed this time together, and I particularly want to thank you for showing people who are going to watch and listen that being authentic is okay—that the world doesn’t end if you’re going to be authentic and step into your power and empower yourself. Thank you for all of the work you do and everything that you share.
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